Afraid of Commitment

OK, time to get personal. I'm sorry. I went on a date with an awesome girl today. I'd been praying to be wise about this date, because I wanted to know if she's the kind of girl I should be dating and if I should be dating her specifically. Well, I got an answer to both questions: That she is the kind of girl I should be dating, but that I shouldn't be dating her specifically. She's going on a mission in 4 months, and I don't plan on actively waiting for anyone for 2 years. Not because it shouldn't be done. I just... well, let's be honest. I'm afraid of commitment. I said I'm a flirt. I meant it. I seriously don't know that I'll ever be able to commit to any particular girl no matter how great she is. And I'm genuinely worried about that. And if the girl is in a different state or country for 18 months? There's no way I'd be able to stay faithful to her. So I'd just rather not make the commitment to someone going on a mission.
Tonight, I was watching clips from The Big Bang Theory, which included a clip of a DTR. The girl was hesitant about getting back in this relationship. The guy was all in favor of getting back in the relationship. After a few minutes, the guy asked, "What are you afraid of?" I had to ask myself the same question. The answer for me was "Being wrong, wasting time, and investing a lot of emotional effort into it." Of course, I waste a lot of time, but I'm afraid of going in the wrong direction for a really long time.
Then I argued briefly with my "ex". I'm not really sure what to call her, but "ex" works for these purposes. And we both acknowledged that the other has been a bad influence on our lives. And I'm afraid to be a bad influence on someone else's life or to have someone else be a bad influence on mine. And I'm afraid to regret allowing someone else to be intimately part of my life.
That said, I'm worried about tomorrow's date. I'm worried that one of us (if not both) will get too emotionally attached to the other and that things will just go poorly from there, or at least, that later on down the road, I'll remember things as "just going downhill from there".

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Narrowing

During our Writing class, we talked quite a bit about narrowing topics down to sub-topics - narrowing from "Immigration" to "The DREAM Act", from "A.I." to "A.I. drones for military and medical purposes", and from "Film" to "Creative control for film directors". That narrowing turned out to be a theme throughout the rest of the day. Story time. On my way out of the Taco Bell on Campus, I picked up some mild sauce packets, the ones that have playful (sometimes flirtatious) messages on them. One of them said "I think you're pretty", so I took it with me, intending to give it to a girl. I saw a cute girl on my way out of lunch and opened the conversation by giving it to her and saying "This is for you." She really appreciated it and we started talking about our majors and our loves for music. I got her phone number and texted her later on in the day. Oddly enough, she actually responded. I was really sur
Read more

A Need for the Spirit

I've been trying to overcome a particular sin, but half the time, I just don't care about it. While I know intellectually that it's wrong, it doesn't seem like a big deal right now, and it was enjoyable. So I kept doing it. Over the last few days, I've been remembering "I'm teaching in Church on Sunday, and I want to have the Spirit with me", or "I want to attract such-and-such girl, so I want to have the Spirit with me", or "I want to teach better, so I want to have the Spirit with me." So I've been deciding recently to do things that would invite the Holy Ghost into my life a little bit more - studying the Book of Mormon a little bit more and a little bit deeper, discussing a few more spiritual topics with friends, attending the temple a little bit more, and resisting temptation a little better. Today, I spent the time during the Sacrament Hymn to actually prepare for the Sacrament. I got to see the consequences today when I t
Read more

Sick - Yesterday's Post

I was sick all yesterday. I managed to go to the recording studio to record "Wake Me Up When September Ends" but that was pretty much all I did. I was going to go to class after the recording studio but felt so weak that I decided it was time to go home and sleep. I really couldn't do anything in class anyway, and I'd probably get to class just after it would end. So I lay down. And tried to sleep. Probably an hour later, I actually slept. For about an hour. I didn't eat all day. Didn't study the scriptures. Didn't really do anything. I watched 2 episodes of Community. That was basically my entire day. I'm grateful to my brother. When he found out that I was sick, he offered some medicine. I'm not sure if the medicine helped or not, but I'm grateful that he was willing to help. He did more than I expected in an attempt to help, and when people do more than I expect, that's when I feel loved. It's not often that I recognize people are
Read more