Going Through the Motions
In a musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy comes back from the dead, but finds her life more lackluster than before. Hence, the episode is perfectly titled "Once More, With Feeling". She starts to sing a song called "Going Through the Motions" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQLgHCXdf20). The song represents her emotion perfectly: Like her life as a vampire slayer, the song's tune is exciting, but she makes even that song humdrum by having a bored face, a bored tone, and bored mannerisms.
Like Buffy, my face has been bored. My tone has been more sober than hers, but my mannerisms have shown an absolute detachment from the things that mattered most when I spent basically the entire Church meeting (except the Sacrament and the parts I was involved in) on my phone. Buffy's words might apply just as well to me: "I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering."
I thought I had good reasons: Fast and Testimony Meeting is rarely testimony-filled and I wanted to hear spiritually edifying testimonies. The Sunday School lesson on The Lord's Law of Health (that's the title of the lesson in the manual) was converted into a lesson on recent opinions of health gurus, who can never agree on anything. And the Priesthood lesson (as spiritually charged and well-taught as it was) reminded me too much of my own grudges and fears. But those reasons weren't good enough. I should have sought to receive what I could from each of these meetings.
Like Buffy, I might have asked "Will I stay this way forever? Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?", so by the end of Church, I realized that I had to change. I needed to let go of grudges. I need to stop fearing these things. I need to stop criticizing. And I need to stop going through the motions. And I didn't need to just accept that God will change me when it's time for me to change. I need to actively try to change, and if I'm bothered by something and recognize that I need to change, it's time for me to change. Not for Him to change me, but for me to change.
So I went into a room with a piano and played my own song:
"Now I'm praying, hopin'
You'll change my heart if I keep it wide open."
Like Buffy, my face has been bored. My tone has been more sober than hers, but my mannerisms have shown an absolute detachment from the things that mattered most when I spent basically the entire Church meeting (except the Sacrament and the parts I was involved in) on my phone. Buffy's words might apply just as well to me: "I was always brave and kind of righteous, now I find I'm wavering."
I thought I had good reasons: Fast and Testimony Meeting is rarely testimony-filled and I wanted to hear spiritually edifying testimonies. The Sunday School lesson on The Lord's Law of Health (that's the title of the lesson in the manual) was converted into a lesson on recent opinions of health gurus, who can never agree on anything. And the Priesthood lesson (as spiritually charged and well-taught as it was) reminded me too much of my own grudges and fears. But those reasons weren't good enough. I should have sought to receive what I could from each of these meetings.
Like Buffy, I might have asked "Will I stay this way forever? Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?", so by the end of Church, I realized that I had to change. I needed to let go of grudges. I need to stop fearing these things. I need to stop criticizing. And I need to stop going through the motions. And I didn't need to just accept that God will change me when it's time for me to change. I need to actively try to change, and if I'm bothered by something and recognize that I need to change, it's time for me to change. Not for Him to change me, but for me to change.
So I went into a room with a piano and played my own song:
"Now I'm praying, hopin'
You'll change my heart if I keep it wide open."
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